It had gotten to the point where I could not make any decisions and the ones that I did make just felt like I was going along with whatever. A few years ago a friend was talking me through some decision (I think it was about my early morning yoga practice) and he asked "does it bring you joy?" I couldn't answer. I was so numb and so buried under so much that I didn't even know what that meant anymore. Or if I ever did. I could identify pleasure, pain, the manic highs and the depressed lows. Not joy. Not actual happiness or contentment. The kind where we aren't just grateful for what we have but where there is alignment between head and heart and inside and outside. That kind.
I felt like if I just did this other thing, if I just had a little more time in the day I could add this other other thing and then everything would be complete and alright. Everything would calm down. I was running so fast and so hard and so hurried that things kept happening like falling in the shower and tearing all of my serratus muscles, like splitting a tooth in half, like traveling and coming back more drained than before, like health scares, like doing things that should energize but because my mind was on everything I couldn't pick up any nutrients. From anything. And there wasn't enough time in the day for my mind to process (insomnia) or my body to process (chronic inflammation) or my spirit to process (seriously, an energy healer found other spirits in there -- that's another story). Constant state of panic and stress and overwhelm.
October of last year I knew it was time for big changes. I started with food. A cleanse. Decisions and personal policies and trying new things and boundaries. And then in January 2019 something clicked and the process accelerated on its own. I started to notice homeostasis for seconds here and there and I started to crave it. It was becoming easier and easier to leave things because they made me feel bad and I was starting to feel good. Simple but everything.
Today I ran through my credit card and bank statements. Any last auto-pays that I can delete? Do I need additional iCloud storage? Do I need wifi at my house? Do I absolutely need to buy eggs before tomorrow? What's funny is how hard it is to remove myself from email subscriptions. I might miss a deal! I might offend the person sending it - even if it is a massive corporation. Or how hard it was to put an indefinite away message on my personal email alerting senders that I am not tethered to technology. Or how hard it is to communicate with family and friends that I love them so much but just can't be available all of the time. How I need to create more and more white space. How that deafening silence at first freaks me out but then gives me the greatest sense of calm. How the more I can exist there, the more the answers and the energy and the creativity just arrive. They arrive so loudly that all I have to do is give them the space to happen.
I felt like if I just did this other thing, if I just had a little more time in the day I could add this other other thing and then everything would be complete and alright. Everything would calm down. I was running so fast and so hard and so hurried that things kept happening like falling in the shower and tearing all of my serratus muscles, like splitting a tooth in half, like traveling and coming back more drained than before, like health scares, like doing things that should energize but because my mind was on everything I couldn't pick up any nutrients. From anything. And there wasn't enough time in the day for my mind to process (insomnia) or my body to process (chronic inflammation) or my spirit to process (seriously, an energy healer found other spirits in there -- that's another story). Constant state of panic and stress and overwhelm.
October of last year I knew it was time for big changes. I started with food. A cleanse. Decisions and personal policies and trying new things and boundaries. And then in January 2019 something clicked and the process accelerated on its own. I started to notice homeostasis for seconds here and there and I started to crave it. It was becoming easier and easier to leave things because they made me feel bad and I was starting to feel good. Simple but everything.
Today I ran through my credit card and bank statements. Any last auto-pays that I can delete? Do I need additional iCloud storage? Do I need wifi at my house? Do I absolutely need to buy eggs before tomorrow? What's funny is how hard it is to remove myself from email subscriptions. I might miss a deal! I might offend the person sending it - even if it is a massive corporation. Or how hard it was to put an indefinite away message on my personal email alerting senders that I am not tethered to technology. Or how hard it is to communicate with family and friends that I love them so much but just can't be available all of the time. How I need to create more and more white space. How that deafening silence at first freaks me out but then gives me the greatest sense of calm. How the more I can exist there, the more the answers and the energy and the creativity just arrive. They arrive so loudly that all I have to do is give them the space to happen.
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