Confession:
This morning I was dreading getting on my mat.
Absolutely dreading.
It seemed so daunting so hard so long. A marathon. Some days are like this. This is why I try not to ask myself how I feel in the morning. And I avoid giving others the opportunity to do so as well. Because the answer is usually about the same (unless the coffee has kicked in) - definitely somewhere on the grim spectrum. So I stop thinking and I just do (this is the automatic like brushing teeth part). And with each breath I forget that I have an option to walk away. I am just in it. And sometimes that feeling of dread passes as my entire being realizes there is nothing to dread at all. Other times I can tell that I just didn't look hard enough because it is there buried deep down when I go looking. And maybe it always will be.
Yesterday I did an old school 1993 led intermediate class. With the sun shining and the birds singing and the steady "ekam... dve" for a lingering moment it felt like a Sunday led intermediate in India. My attention was completely held in keeping pace with the count and keeping my breathing steady (what you mean the method actually works?) and the result was a complete lack of drama and such a nice little contrast to today.
Imagine someone hands you a cute little kitten. And then another. And another. And so many kittens that the kittens are falling from your arms and scratching at your torso and jumping to the ground and you're scrambling to keep them all together for I don't know maybe an hour and forty five minutes. Or maybe pretend that you're running in water and everyone is laughing at you.
I think I sounded like I was in pain. Breathing loud and forced and obvious to any innocent bystander that I was not relaxed. Intermediate plus third marathon. So mental. Hits me in some place from every possible angle and like some sort of surreal nightmare every thought and emotion and memory seems to be held in front of me and playing out like some sort of spiritual kon mari session from hell. And I am trying not to cry and I am trying to think of looking at nose squeezing anus steady breathing 5 breaths and then boom confusing childhood memory full of anxiety and stress and boom that thing someone said last week and boom how will this other thing play out tomorrow and boom boom boom they keep coming and I'm sniffling and its just yoga chill out.
This is what it is supposed to do. Get to edge, work on self, enjoy benefit. Rinse. Repeat. But wow.
Maybe because I am so raw after a practice like that (which is often where I am at at the moment) and I have just dropped into a flow state I feel like I can write. Something breaks open and things just want to be expressed. Creativity. Love. Sharing. Calmness. Drifting on the river.
Again, I sat down this afternoon to write and it was rough. And I thought about the concept of flow state and wondered "when do I feel this outside of yoga"? A long solo walk or hike. Music for hours. Reading for hours. Cleaning. So I did chores. (For whatever reason calling cleaning/personal care activities "chores" makes them easier to do. Finish your chores before watching TV, going out, seeing your friends, etc.) So I do the chores and wouldn't you know it: flow state and writing and trying to think what I can do now to have an easier go of it tomorrow.
Good food
Nourishing things/activities
Set clothes out
Set out coffee
Go to bed at decent hour
No screens an hour before bed
Imagine what it is like in the morning for the sweet baby me and do anything else that would be loving
Because the karmas will come no matter what we do. And we want them to come. We want to work through them. We want to run toward the pain. The thoughts will come. The vrittis will come. The shenpa will come. We want to be ready.
This morning I was dreading getting on my mat.
Absolutely dreading.
It seemed so daunting so hard so long. A marathon. Some days are like this. This is why I try not to ask myself how I feel in the morning. And I avoid giving others the opportunity to do so as well. Because the answer is usually about the same (unless the coffee has kicked in) - definitely somewhere on the grim spectrum. So I stop thinking and I just do (this is the automatic like brushing teeth part). And with each breath I forget that I have an option to walk away. I am just in it. And sometimes that feeling of dread passes as my entire being realizes there is nothing to dread at all. Other times I can tell that I just didn't look hard enough because it is there buried deep down when I go looking. And maybe it always will be.
Yesterday I did an old school 1993 led intermediate class. With the sun shining and the birds singing and the steady "ekam... dve" for a lingering moment it felt like a Sunday led intermediate in India. My attention was completely held in keeping pace with the count and keeping my breathing steady (what you mean the method actually works?) and the result was a complete lack of drama and such a nice little contrast to today.
Imagine someone hands you a cute little kitten. And then another. And another. And so many kittens that the kittens are falling from your arms and scratching at your torso and jumping to the ground and you're scrambling to keep them all together for I don't know maybe an hour and forty five minutes. Or maybe pretend that you're running in water and everyone is laughing at you.
I think I sounded like I was in pain. Breathing loud and forced and obvious to any innocent bystander that I was not relaxed. Intermediate plus third marathon. So mental. Hits me in some place from every possible angle and like some sort of surreal nightmare every thought and emotion and memory seems to be held in front of me and playing out like some sort of spiritual kon mari session from hell. And I am trying not to cry and I am trying to think of looking at nose squeezing anus steady breathing 5 breaths and then boom confusing childhood memory full of anxiety and stress and boom that thing someone said last week and boom how will this other thing play out tomorrow and boom boom boom they keep coming and I'm sniffling and its just yoga chill out.
This is what it is supposed to do. Get to edge, work on self, enjoy benefit. Rinse. Repeat. But wow.
Maybe because I am so raw after a practice like that (which is often where I am at at the moment) and I have just dropped into a flow state I feel like I can write. Something breaks open and things just want to be expressed. Creativity. Love. Sharing. Calmness. Drifting on the river.
Again, I sat down this afternoon to write and it was rough. And I thought about the concept of flow state and wondered "when do I feel this outside of yoga"? A long solo walk or hike. Music for hours. Reading for hours. Cleaning. So I did chores. (For whatever reason calling cleaning/personal care activities "chores" makes them easier to do. Finish your chores before watching TV, going out, seeing your friends, etc.) So I do the chores and wouldn't you know it: flow state and writing and trying to think what I can do now to have an easier go of it tomorrow.
Good food
Nourishing things/activities
Set clothes out
Set out coffee
Go to bed at decent hour
No screens an hour before bed
Imagine what it is like in the morning for the sweet baby me and do anything else that would be loving
Because the karmas will come no matter what we do. And we want them to come. We want to work through them. We want to run toward the pain. The thoughts will come. The vrittis will come. The shenpa will come. We want to be ready.
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