I was trained to be responsible. Even if inside I didn't want more responsibility I did want to know that I was doing the right thing. More responsibility must then be good, right? Do more. Be more.
If you ever dared to ask if I was burned out or if I needed help or if I perhaps took on too much or if I maybe needed a vacation or a rest -- I apologize. Because you deeply insulted me without knowing it. I know how I most likely reacted and how I probably still will. At least for a while. Because that training is really deeply rooted in there. Can't show weakness or need help. Can't say no. It would be too embarrassing and humiliating and a sign of failure. And asking me to take on responsibility, telling me "good job" or "she has it handled" or we "never worry about her" was the greatest compliment and heaviest burden.
My happiest moments were at 17 backpacking with only the clothes on my body and a jansport school bag. At 20 walking 15 miles a day across Spain with only the absolute essentials of survival. India. Even when it was horrible and hard and miles and miles beyond my comfort zone.
I realize that's an extreme and I don't want to live in an extreme way. Not at all. And I don't want to escape. I want 100% engagement and nutrition and balance in the world not on the fringes of the world as a hermit. I didn't realize the responsibility habit/behavior/thought pattern/burden until recently. Until I stopped everything and started to do less and started to listen to my inside world and prioritizing observing. The outside signs have been there all along.
outside signs of too much/too many/too often:
being in the red in any part of life
stress
anxiety
overwhelm
dust on anything
rushing
pressure
tiredness
exhaustion
dissatisfaction
needing more
not sleeping
bad digestion
bloating
decision fatigue
fomo
And now I am beginning to see secret clutter places. Each is a constant teeny torture tug on my mind.
secret clutter places:
people
social media handles/websites/profiles
"friends" or "connections" on social media
phone contacts
apps on phone
office supplies
electrical chords
information captured by websites
search histories
books
articles
bookmarks on browser
to-do list
ideas
should's
guilt
anger
hurt
newsletter subscriptions to email
unanswered email
photos
text messages
calls
obligations
owing someone emotional debt/baggage
sense of responsibility for others or things
all the things I can't maintain or don't maintain but am supposed to have
glass recycling
dying plants
doctor visits/process overwhelm
gifts or inherited items that don't bring me joy
free things with a story
junk mail
unseen drawer storage
cds and external hard drives
music I don't care for
things I might need "just in case"
asana
Yes, asana. Really, if I am losing the integrity of the practice, I need to to less. In life or on the mat I need to do less.
signs in practice
clenching teeth
loss of vinyasa
clenching at joints
shortness of breath
shakiness
drishti is everywhere
bandha is nonexistent
soreness after practice and into the next day
I think this is the part where I decide what I want to include. They say yoga +1 each day. They say write down the 10 most important things, cross out the bottom 5. Nothing exists until the top 5 are done. Each exhale we die, each inhale we are born. A little bit all the time. Slowly slowly, you take. Each day a fresh start.
If you ever dared to ask if I was burned out or if I needed help or if I perhaps took on too much or if I maybe needed a vacation or a rest -- I apologize. Because you deeply insulted me without knowing it. I know how I most likely reacted and how I probably still will. At least for a while. Because that training is really deeply rooted in there. Can't show weakness or need help. Can't say no. It would be too embarrassing and humiliating and a sign of failure. And asking me to take on responsibility, telling me "good job" or "she has it handled" or we "never worry about her" was the greatest compliment and heaviest burden.
My happiest moments were at 17 backpacking with only the clothes on my body and a jansport school bag. At 20 walking 15 miles a day across Spain with only the absolute essentials of survival. India. Even when it was horrible and hard and miles and miles beyond my comfort zone.
I realize that's an extreme and I don't want to live in an extreme way. Not at all. And I don't want to escape. I want 100% engagement and nutrition and balance in the world not on the fringes of the world as a hermit. I didn't realize the responsibility habit/behavior/thought pattern/burden until recently. Until I stopped everything and started to do less and started to listen to my inside world and prioritizing observing. The outside signs have been there all along.
outside signs of too much/too many/too often:
being in the red in any part of life
stress
anxiety
overwhelm
dust on anything
rushing
pressure
tiredness
exhaustion
dissatisfaction
needing more
not sleeping
bad digestion
bloating
decision fatigue
fomo
And now I am beginning to see secret clutter places. Each is a constant teeny torture tug on my mind.
secret clutter places:
people
social media handles/websites/profiles
"friends" or "connections" on social media
phone contacts
apps on phone
office supplies
electrical chords
information captured by websites
search histories
books
articles
bookmarks on browser
to-do list
ideas
should's
guilt
anger
hurt
newsletter subscriptions to email
unanswered email
photos
text messages
calls
obligations
owing someone emotional debt/baggage
sense of responsibility for others or things
all the things I can't maintain or don't maintain but am supposed to have
glass recycling
dying plants
doctor visits/process overwhelm
gifts or inherited items that don't bring me joy
free things with a story
junk mail
unseen drawer storage
cds and external hard drives
music I don't care for
things I might need "just in case"
asana
Yes, asana. Really, if I am losing the integrity of the practice, I need to to less. In life or on the mat I need to do less.
signs in practice
clenching teeth
loss of vinyasa
clenching at joints
shortness of breath
shakiness
drishti is everywhere
bandha is nonexistent
soreness after practice and into the next day
I think this is the part where I decide what I want to include. They say yoga +1 each day. They say write down the 10 most important things, cross out the bottom 5. Nothing exists until the top 5 are done. Each exhale we die, each inhale we are born. A little bit all the time. Slowly slowly, you take. Each day a fresh start.
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