Here's how my mind works - maybe yours too. Searching.
I woke up and it was searching. Opened my computer to write but nothing on the brain side of my eyes. Eyes searching. I stared at the piles of books I borrowed from the library. Not interested. Searching. I pick up my phone and stare at nothing. Searching. Wait for the coffee to hit, wait for the sleep to wear off. Wait for something inside to point me in a direction. The inner voice. Wait for something outside to catch and hold my attention. Give me a sense of purpose. Give me something to do. Instinct tells me that that moment of alignment is what I am searching for. Relief will come then.
There's another conversation happening now. This is new. The observing this process instead of just letting it play out is new. The other conversation in my head says that this observing the mind searching is the process. Embrace it. I wonder if the searching outward is a searchlight. So I stop my eyes roving and just stare at the roses in the vase on the table. I just stare and it creates a tunnel that becomes a loop and the searching turns into something else. The searching hits the roses and then bounces back to behind my eyes. And the searching goes inside. And then I'm writing. Day three I am writing.
I'm pretty sure what just happened is basic yoga and meditation stuff. In fact, I know it is. So simple and elementary that I should be doing it naturally by now, right? Should be an established healthy habit by now, right? I look out at everyone else and to me that's them. All of the good suggestions and best practices have become their healthy habits. Their gardens just grow. They don't need to water them or add compost or prune a thing. They just enjoy them and get on with the day. That's how it feels. And so then it feels like I am broken. All the things work on everyone but me. That thought pattern is the evil older sister living in my head (that's what I call it). But I told myself that we are writing about other things now. That creativity can come from other things than suffering. But that honesty, honesty about suffering and struggle is where we understand that we are all the same. And the gathering of attention and effort toward steadiness of mind is yoga. That is practice.
I don't know if this is what everyone does at this number of years of practice or at this series/pose of ashtanga yoga or at this age or at this season. Maybe it is. I am waking up in a new way. It feels necessary and automatic. At first confusing but now addictive. I just want clarity and truth. I can tell now that the thing I crave most is more time and that it gets lost in the little things when I am not paying attention.
On Thursday I canceled my carwash membership. I realized that I hadn't gotten my car washed in at least three months (and I don't even want a car). I realized that was x amount of dollars. I realized that my time at the office was on average x amount per hour. I realized that I just flushed x hours down the toilet. I realized those are hours I will never get back. Hours that could have been spent with family, friends, on the side of a mountain, sleeping, a million other ways on things that I want to do more of. I realized how inefficient my behavior and choices were and how that matters because time matters and it is so limited.
I realized that part of the stress and anxiety and panic I was/am feeling is that there are a limited number of hours in a day, an infinite amount of things I would like to/need to do, and this body is human. I realized that I needed to figure that out. So simple but everything.
Ok so no more sleep walking or wasting time and energy. Here is what I have been doing:
-do not disturb on phone during certain hours
-delete every possible app
-unsubscribe from all email newsletters
-delete all autopays
-delete to-do list
-delete calendar items
-designate a grocery day and try to only buy on that day
-use reusable bags
-eat at home
-set phone to silent and remove all notifications
-time block email social media and text time
-remove social media
-stop buying for a day at a time
-what can I repair? clean? diy?
-what can I sell and donate?
-gather all like items and use those first. I have toothpaste for days.
-Kon Mari life
-what can I do less of?
-what can I not buy?
-what can I turn off?
-what is making me cringe? See about removing and stopping those things.
-stop pop ups
-Stop talking
First minimize, then stop distractions so we can do and think more. I don't want to feel deprived, I want to feel completely saturated in the sweetness of life.
I woke up and it was searching. Opened my computer to write but nothing on the brain side of my eyes. Eyes searching. I stared at the piles of books I borrowed from the library. Not interested. Searching. I pick up my phone and stare at nothing. Searching. Wait for the coffee to hit, wait for the sleep to wear off. Wait for something inside to point me in a direction. The inner voice. Wait for something outside to catch and hold my attention. Give me a sense of purpose. Give me something to do. Instinct tells me that that moment of alignment is what I am searching for. Relief will come then.
There's another conversation happening now. This is new. The observing this process instead of just letting it play out is new. The other conversation in my head says that this observing the mind searching is the process. Embrace it. I wonder if the searching outward is a searchlight. So I stop my eyes roving and just stare at the roses in the vase on the table. I just stare and it creates a tunnel that becomes a loop and the searching turns into something else. The searching hits the roses and then bounces back to behind my eyes. And the searching goes inside. And then I'm writing. Day three I am writing.
I'm pretty sure what just happened is basic yoga and meditation stuff. In fact, I know it is. So simple and elementary that I should be doing it naturally by now, right? Should be an established healthy habit by now, right? I look out at everyone else and to me that's them. All of the good suggestions and best practices have become their healthy habits. Their gardens just grow. They don't need to water them or add compost or prune a thing. They just enjoy them and get on with the day. That's how it feels. And so then it feels like I am broken. All the things work on everyone but me. That thought pattern is the evil older sister living in my head (that's what I call it). But I told myself that we are writing about other things now. That creativity can come from other things than suffering. But that honesty, honesty about suffering and struggle is where we understand that we are all the same. And the gathering of attention and effort toward steadiness of mind is yoga. That is practice.
I don't know if this is what everyone does at this number of years of practice or at this series/pose of ashtanga yoga or at this age or at this season. Maybe it is. I am waking up in a new way. It feels necessary and automatic. At first confusing but now addictive. I just want clarity and truth. I can tell now that the thing I crave most is more time and that it gets lost in the little things when I am not paying attention.
On Thursday I canceled my carwash membership. I realized that I hadn't gotten my car washed in at least three months (and I don't even want a car). I realized that was x amount of dollars. I realized that my time at the office was on average x amount per hour. I realized that I just flushed x hours down the toilet. I realized those are hours I will never get back. Hours that could have been spent with family, friends, on the side of a mountain, sleeping, a million other ways on things that I want to do more of. I realized how inefficient my behavior and choices were and how that matters because time matters and it is so limited.
I realized that part of the stress and anxiety and panic I was/am feeling is that there are a limited number of hours in a day, an infinite amount of things I would like to/need to do, and this body is human. I realized that I needed to figure that out. So simple but everything.
Ok so no more sleep walking or wasting time and energy. Here is what I have been doing:
-do not disturb on phone during certain hours
-delete every possible app
-unsubscribe from all email newsletters
-delete all autopays
-delete to-do list
-delete calendar items
-designate a grocery day and try to only buy on that day
-use reusable bags
-eat at home
-set phone to silent and remove all notifications
-time block email social media and text time
-remove social media
-stop buying for a day at a time
-what can I repair? clean? diy?
-what can I sell and donate?
-gather all like items and use those first. I have toothpaste for days.
-Kon Mari life
-what can I do less of?
-what can I not buy?
-what can I turn off?
-what is making me cringe? See about removing and stopping those things.
-stop pop ups
-Stop talking
First minimize, then stop distractions so we can do and think more. I don't want to feel deprived, I want to feel completely saturated in the sweetness of life.
I realized that part of the stress and anxiety and panic I was/am feeling is that there are a limited number of hours in a day, an infinite amount of things I would like to/need to do, and this body is human. I realized that I needed to figure that out. So simple but everything.
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