So there I am practicing and I am remembering how ever since I was a child people (adults) would remark "oh, you look so ethnic". This was not a compliment. How kids on the playground would make fun of my nose so much that my secret forever wish was to someday get plastic surgery. All the times my body was different than everyone else's and I was called "fat". The first instance was when I was little -- maybe 4? Oh, and what it is like to be "developed" when you are a kid and everyone lets you know. Now you are a sexual being, a woman, a temptation, a liability, a distraction.
I wish I could say that all that came to an end when I reached adulthood. That society changed and we all evolved as humans. Not exactly.
Yesterday I am in the middle of my practice and the thought of "fear" just keeps coming into my mind and as I explore it I remember so many times as an adult that I was bullied, shutdown, made fun of, discouraged, etc. So much so that the first thing I see when I see images of myself in asana practice is a "roll" or "fat". It takes my eyes a minute and sometimes a day to focus so that what I see is everything else. Everything else that I see in anyone else rather than being hyper aware of anything that might be pointed out and made fun of. Strength, grace, beauty, hard work, ease, humanness, dedication...
We used to hate fashion magazines for depicting unrealistic images of beauty. Now we have social media doing exactly the same. News flash: most everyone gets a roll when they squish their body in one way or another. Also, there's nothing wrong with having rolls. News flash: I know plenty of people who do "cleanses" or "eat light" before yoga asana photo shoots. Maybe it is to "feel light" in their practice. Maybe.
In the yoga community, I have been told that I am too heavy, that "life has caught up with me", I am too young, too old, the wrong shape, too stiff, too flexible, that my teacher disapproves of me and will kick me out of the shala, to stop writing, take down my blog, stop teaching, that I can't make it in India, my teacher made a mistake, that things just "come natural" to me, that I should stop teaching. In this process of spiritual decluttering, I pick up each thing, realize it does not bring value and joy, tell it thank you and kindly discard. What is interesting to me is that none of this bullying or negativity came from my teacher. That I do have a select group of people in my life who are very supportive and when things get cluttered all I hear and remember is the hate.
Social media is a great tool to stay connected. To encourage and build each other up. To spread helpful information. We need this. Life can be lonely. We need to support each other. We need to raise the lowest common denominator and operate from a place of abundance rather than scarcity. We need to be honest and truthful and consistent and respectful and move from a place of integrity. We need to honor vulnerability, courageousness, bravery, generosity and kindness. If we aren't doing these things, what are we doing? What is the point? We need to care for each other and for ourselves. Nourish our bodies and our relationships and the planet. Set boundaries and respect the boundaries of others. Admit mistakes and make things better. Follow the niyamas and yamas. That's pretty basic.
Oh, and it is no longer cool to comment on someone else's body or creativity with the intent to cut them down. Even accidentally.
I want to be recognized for the quality of my character and hard work and dedication and grit and for being consistent and fair and kind and taking good care of myself. Not for looking a certain way or just being nice or popular or just going along with everything even if it isn't right.
And urdva kukkutasana b is really hard. REALLY hard until it isn't. And I tell you what... I eat dinner and have a "normal" job and grind day in and day out alone and for me what it took and what it takes each day is an extreme and crazy belief that I can do it. That I am strong and capable and light and I am just moving energy. I repeat this again and again so much that I believe it. I shut out "you're too heavy you're not strong you ate dinner this is too hard for you you'll never do it". And I go back to "I am strong and capable and light and I am just moving energy". That I am enough. I repeat this again and again so much that I believe it. For me, that's how much of this yoga asana challenge/plateau/impossibility has come and gone. Nose, mulabandha, positive thinking, let energy move. Simplify. That's where the grace is.
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