Day Thirty - Observing

I took an actual vacation. So nourishing practicing at Mysore Phoenix.

I can't explain why I haven't written.  Perhaps it was because I told myself that all things were on hold until the 30 days were through.  After that I would decide where I wanted to put my energy next.  Perhaps that scared me.  Because there's so much on my mind.  And decisions that will have to be made.  And when I commit to one thing, I am saying no to everything else in the world. And I'm overthinking it.  Could be so many other things and reasons and excuses.  That one just seems the most available.  The first in line. Like I said, I can't explain. I search for why but the answer keeps hiding around corners just beyond my reach.

And anyway, I suppose that is what this blog -- the first 30 days at least -- that is what it is/was supposed to be about.  Attempting to write for 30 days.  Or 30 posts, as it came to be.

The trouble is overthinking it.  And getting distracted.  1+2= no post today for a few days now I suppose.  How easy it is to just give up.

But here we are.  All my writing notes and plans and ideas tucked away somewhere in a bag and I am just writing.  Just showing up.

These 30 days of trying a new habit, a creative habit, have reminded me of a few common patterns that we share.

1.  It is easy to get distracted.
That is what the mind does.  It moves to the next shiny, loud, dangerous thing because it doesn't want to get killed in the jungle, right?  We haven't changed so much.  I try to remind myself of this.  To not be so hard on myself.  To sit with what is.  To decide how to move forward, present in each tiny step.

2.  It takes time to adjust to change.
Habits start far in the distance.  With time they move closer and closer.  Arm distance.  Warmth distance. Skin distance.  The tricky part is they have to go inside your skin.  The deeper they go toward your center, the more likely they will continue as things change.  And things absolutely will change.  And we will move with the change and leave the habit behind.  And then we remember.  And then we try to bring the habit in again.  This is normal.

3. Give from your overflow.
Everyone always says to "fill up your cup" so you have something to give.  What happens when your cup is empty again?  Exhaustion, burn out, health issues, etc.  The part where I am convinced that I just don't do things as well as everyone else.  I'm damaged...  The math is simple.  You always keep your cup full and give from the overflow.  Even little things start to make sense.

4.  If you are used to your cup never overflowing then you will be confused when it nears the top.
You don't know what it is like to be full so you think that the increased vitality that you are feeling is overflow.  You know that this is the case when you commit to something and don't complete it.  Or not the way you meant to or you nail it but then are completely exhausted lying on the floor in the dark don't talk to me please.

5.  It is really hard to be honest, open, and vulnerable.
But we are all better off when we are.  We don't have time for BS in this life.  If something can be improved, healed, helped, we have to do it.




It isn't over.  There is a lot I want to write about.  I am just taking time with the words.  Message me if you have a subject on your mind.  That will help.





Exit: "A Silver Song" Conspiracy of Owls